This Month's Most Hilarious Email

I need to share more of the emails I'm getting from the conservative newsletters I'm on. They're a hoot. And none more so that one I received recently about the special election to fill the seat in Illinois's 2nd district vacated when Jesse Jackson Jr. resigned.

If you've been following the race, you know that in Tuesday's primary, Robin Kelly ran away with the Democratic race due in part to the fact that her "F" rating from the NRA, compared to her two top opponents' "A" ratings, became an asset in the wake of the Newtown shootings and the dramatic increase in shootings in Chicago recently.

As with Joyce Beatty last year in Oh-03, Kelly can start packing now, even with the general election not until April 9. Il-02 takes in a swath of Chicago's south side where I grew up and where my sister still lives. It's about as Democratic as Ohio's 11th district, where I now live, represented by Marcia Fudge. President Obama won Il-02 by 90%. John Kerry got almost 85% of the vote in 2004.

Sixteen Democrats, sniffing opportunity, were on the ballot, splitting just under 60,000 votes in an off-year special election primary with a blizzard going on; Kelly got about half of those.

On the GOP side, only five candidates stepped up, sensing futility. They split about 3,500 votes. Impressive turnout, guys!

That sets the stage for this email, which arrived courtesy of my friends at GOPUSA. It comes from Lenny McAllister, one of the five Republicans in the race.

Dear Conservative Patriot [contraction in terms],

"Chicago-style politics" isn't a myth; it's alive and well in a district that's seen its last 3 members of Congress fall from grace in the most public and humiliating ways.[None of this crap you're about to cite has anything to do with "Chicago-style politics"]

• In 1989, Rep. Gus Savage resigned after he was accused of forcing himself on a Peace Corp worker in Africa. [the kind of thing Republicans always do and get away with and when you want to talk about it, they say you are invading their family's privacy]
• In 1994, Rep. Mel Reynolds was indicted for sexual assault and criminal sexual abuse for his involvement with a 16-year-old campaign volunteer.[see above]
• Most recently, Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr. — who is under investigation by the House Ethics Committee and FBI for two separate matters — resigned in November due to mental illness.[A Republican would just claim he was being persecuted by the media and hang on]

The special election primary to replace Jesse Jackson, Jr. on February 26 is a chance for us to wipe out the culture of corruption [and replace it with our own!], but it won't be easy [no, just impossible]. Despite spending more than 8 years in prison, convicted felon Mel Reynolds has his sights set on running for his old seat. We must stop him.[Reynolds finished 8th with 454 votes, and was never considered remotely in the running]

I'm a media commentator, author, businessman, and former radio talk show host. And yes — I'm also African American. I'm the only candidate who has the conservative credentials, experience and diversity to win this seat in Southside Chicago. But I urgently need your help.[Didn't Ken Blackwell's 22-point trouncing in Ohio, including losing the African-American vote by 80 points, teach you anything? Black voters are not that stupid!]

Will you follow this link right now to donate $25, $50, $100 or more to my campaign? [No]

I don't have to tell you that the Republican Party has a problem connecting with women, Hispanics, and African Americans. [!!!!!] But it doesn't have to be that way![It does until your party stops attacking women, Hispanics and African-Americans] People from all nationalities and all walks of life believe in our conservative policies of limited government, fiscal responsibility and family values — this is our opportunity to prove this to the nation. [The results just proved they don't share your beliefs] And right in Barack Obama's backyard, no less! [That's a problem for YOU. His backyard is filled with educated, informed voters like my sister who don't fall for your shit]

We have the perfect storm to score the biggest political upset of this decade right here.[In your dreams!]

• Turnout is expected to be low, negating Democrats' voter registration advantage.[Nope]
• The Democratic nominee will have to spend a lot of money to win a 16-way primary. [Yes, they did]
• Voters are fed up with the corruption.[Especially that of Republicans in D.C.]
• There's never been a candidate like me on the ballot.[I never saw a candidate like Josh Mandel before. That didn't mean I wanted him to win]

I have a unique blend of conservative values and strong relationships within the community that make my campaign a force to be reckoned with. If I have the support of conservatives nationwide, my campaign will be unstoppable.

Thank you in advance for your support.

Lenny McAllister

Here's how "unstoppable" Lenny McAllister was: he came in third out of the five candidates on the GOP side. And look at this:

"In 2nd District Republican squeaker, ex-convict looks to be winner"

You really can't make this stuff up. No one would believe you.

Welcome to Congress, Robin Kelly!

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